There I was, in the staff lounge, ready to take on a brand-new school year. The 3rd-grade teachers were gathered in a semi-circle, swapping stories and laughing about their summer and getting ready for the new school year. I, meanwhile, was at the laminating machine — fully impressed that we had the good stuff this year. You know… the thick laminating plastic. Premium.

I was happily feeding in Clever Badges for the Kinder and 1st grade teachers, feeling oddly proud of my laminating skills, when suddenly… I felt it.

The pull.

Not an emotional pull. Not the pull of destiny.
A literal pull — from the laminator.

At first, I thought, “That’s weird.” Then I tried to step back and realized… I was stuck. In. The. Laminator.

That’s right. I almost died by laminator.

I squeaked out a panicked little “Ahhh!” and the entire 3rd grade team leapt into action like a squad of heroes in a very low-budget action film. Turns out, my lanyard — with my keys and name badge — had been sucked straight into the machine.

We slammed the stop button.
We breathed a sigh of relief.
And then… wave two of panic hit me.

My keys were lodged between the rollers. If you know anything about laminators (and honestly, who does until disaster strikes?), you know that messing with the rollers is basically laminator homicide. I did not want that on my record.

This is when I remembered the genius of my breakaway lanyard. I unclicked it, freed myself from the beast, and began the slow, shame-filled walk to the office. Head hung low.

Now, it’s the beginning of the school year, which means the secretary is juggling about 47 fires at once. I very gently asked for her help. She looked at me and said, “You didn’t break it, did you?”

Inside, I was thinking, Goodness, I hope not… because I like having friends here. I also like the secretary.

Could I have tried to fish out the keys myself? Sure. But that would have almost guaranteed turning a mildly embarrassing story into a full-on “Lisa killed the laminator” legend. And listen — school secretaries are magical. They can fix nearly anything. Copier jam? Fixed. Wi-Fi down? Fixed. Laminator holding your keys hostage? Also fixed.

She followed me in, took one look at the situation, then at me, and asked, “What in the world did you do?” Then she freed my keys — which, fun fact, were now scorching hot.

Lessons learned:

1. Always watch your lanyard.
2. Know when to call for backup.
3. If we get a safety video on “proper laminator use” next year, my bad.

Oh — and when I didn’t return to my room (which I share with two other coaches), one of them came looking for me. She found out what happened and laughed so hard she was crying, and I’m pretty sure she needed a minute to breathe.

And that’s how I started my school year: by nearly becoming a cautionary tale in the staff handbook. Hopefully, yours was or will be better than mine.